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LJ Idol, Week Thirteen

From beneath the car, I hear the monster's footsteps approaching, and then, the same threat as before. "Run, and I'll shoot you."

My heart is pounding, and the blood dripping into my eyes has increased to a steady stream. No matter how hard I press my forehead, the bleeding won't stop, and I can't tell if the world is red because of the blood, or because something more serious is wrong with my vision.

The monster's feet--why can I see them now when I couldn't before--are very close now, so close to my refuge that I can see them sparkling red in the gleam from the street light. They look ordinary enough, not grotesquely huge or possessing extra toes, but that's probably just an illusion. How hard could it be for this thing to materialize normal-looking feet, when before it was completely invisible?

I must run!

The certainty grows inside me with each passing second.

From the instant the monster had hurled my car into the embankment at the side of the road, there had probably been no other option left for me. Thrown forward, without a seatbelt to hold me back, my body had twisted, and then my head had smashed into the car's windshield. For one fleeting second, my vision had filled with cascading stars, and then there was blackness.

When I awoke, slumped half in and half out of the driver's seat, there hadn't been a lot of pain, just a growing certainty that I was being watched.

"Help!" I croaked, hoping that some bystander had seen me crash, and would shortly come to my rescue.

Nothing. No one answered, and no noise came from outside. Still, I knew I was being observed, could feel a presence, the malevolent gaze of something terrible. In that moment, I had a choice, the same one facing me now. I could curl up tight, lick my wounds and cower like a hunted animal until I was caught, or I could try to escape.

At first, slowly struggling just to sit upright, I wasn't sure that I could walk, let alone run. I felt the first warm trickle of blood begin inching down my forehead, and brilliant spots of color danced at the edges of my vision. Panting, I sat frozen in place, convinced that, alerted by my weak efforts, the monster I had felt would come crashing in at me through the windshield.

When the moment of paralyzing terror past, I clawed desperately for the car's door handle, the door's slick plastic sliding under my fingertips, until at last I grasped its cool metal surface in my hand. I yanked at it frantically, again, and again, and again, with no result.

Locked.

Knowing that I had to get away, but clueless as to how the door could be unlocked, I continued pawing at the barrier, pushing outward, pulling any movable object, until suddenly it was open. I was falling, scrambling on my hands and knees, and then, miraculously, on my feet. Staggering, then careening from one side of the road to the other, I began to run.

I ran for what felt like hours, but finally, unable to flee any further, sought refuge underneath a parked car. It had been incredibly stupid, my belief that I could huddle here, unseen and unmolested, but it had been so hard to breathe.

Now, now it was time to run again.




Avery Ranch man charged with murder

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 04:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] copyright1983.livejournal.com
One wonders sometimes what gets into people. Well written.

Date: 2012-02-07 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
I know. When I read the article, all I could think was, "That poor kid!"

Thanks for reading!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 06:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jem0000000.livejournal.com
Wow, poor guy.

This is very well-written; it flows beautifully, as usual, and I like the reoccurring element of "run" and running. It really ties the piece together.

Great job. *smile*

Date: 2012-02-07 02:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm glad you like where I went with the article. I knew when I read the story that I had to write about it, but the whole thing was so sad to me that I wasn't sure how to approach it at first. I don't know whether this story does Enrique's memory justice, but I hope so.

Thanks again!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 11:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theafaye.livejournal.com
How scary.

Date: 2012-02-07 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you. I appreciate your reading and leaving a comment.

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 03:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarcasmoqueen.livejournal.com
Poor kid. That must have been really scary for him.

Well written, Dan, nice job.

Date: 2012-02-07 03:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Yes, I imagine it was terrifying. To have escaped the wreck, only to be gunned down by some crazed idiot.

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 05:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lawchicky.livejournal.com
Ack! This was chilling- how scary!

Date: 2012-02-07 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you! It felt very scary when I read the story, and thought about that poor kid.

Thanks for reading and letting me know you were here. :)

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 06:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
This was a really interesting way to handle the prompt-- it didn't even occur to me to fictionalize the crime itself.

The terror here is palpable, and the reader feels as trapped as the victim. What COULD he do? Be shot right where he is, or risk running and hope the killer would miss?

Excellent entry!

Date: 2012-02-07 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thanks for your kind words, and I'm glad you enjoyed my take on the prompt. I wanted my main character to appear both terrified and confused, as I imagine that's precisely how Enrique felt after wrecking his car.

As always, thanks for reading and commenting! Sorry you didn't get to post anything this week, I always enjoy your entries!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 08:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
After I read the news article, I was appalled. There is a solution to the problem the homeowner faced, and it's called "The Police". He could easily have locked his doors, called the cops, and kept the shotgun ready in case an "intruder" tried to break in.

But to go outside and create and impossible situation for a young man who'd just been in a car wreck and was merely under the guy's wife's car (probably hiding from the shotgun)? That smacks of racist panic, to me.

I'm sorry I didn't get anything posted either, because I hated to use my last "bye"! But I was out of town, and had no real alone-time after noon on Thursday, and that prompt was just about the worst matchup for that situation. I'd hoped for something I could think about in the background, and do in a rough-draft plus refinements in my spare time. Hah! Checking the news via the Internet a few times and finding nothing was how far that got. ;)

Date: 2012-02-07 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
It was certainly a horrific story, and highlights many of the things wrong with my state's attitudes regarding fire arms. *sigh*

Ah well, I'm out of Byes now too, so we're in the same boat. Which one of us can tread water for longer, eh? *teasing smile*

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
Which one of us can tread water for longer, eh? *teasing smile*

That's pretty much how it's felt for me since Day 1!

I really thought last week's entry would come out ahead of some of the "old-timers" in the votes, but still... I'm always riding near the bottom. :0

Date: 2012-02-07 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
LOL I've finally decided to quit trying to predict which entry of mine will score the highest in the polls. I'm never right.

Dan

Date: 2012-02-07 07:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whipchick.livejournal.com
What a terrible story - I'm interested in the interplay between your imagining of it and the article, too - this is fascinating what you've taken from the original and what you've made of it!

(Terrible like tragic, not the writing or your idea :) )

Date: 2012-02-07 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you! I made a conscious decision to cast the home owner as a monster, since I viewed what he had done as monstrous. The rest kind of flowed from there.

Thanks for commenting, and I'm happy you enjoyed where I went with the story. Terrible is right.

Dan

Date: 2012-02-08 03:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pixiebelle.livejournal.com
Oh wow. What a tragic story. I really wasn't sure where this was going... Nicely done.

Date: 2012-02-08 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you! Yes, it was tragic, and a horrible waste for such a young person to be killed for no reason.

Thanks for commenting, and I'm glad you enjoyed my take on the story.

Dan

Date: 2012-02-08 02:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alien-infinity.livejournal.com
How scary!

They look ordinary enough, not grotesquely huge or possessing extra toes, but that's probably just an illusion. How hard could it be for this thing to materialize normal-looking feet, when before it was completely invisible?

I liked this line.

Date: 2012-02-09 04:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you! I wanted that contrast in-between the feet, all too real now, and the monster he was only imagining earlier.

Thanks for reading!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-08 04:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n3m3sis42.livejournal.com
You did a really good job capturing the fear that poor guy must have felt.

Date: 2012-02-09 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thanks! That's certainly what I was aiming for, although I had a difficult time starting. Once I began though, it flowed pretty easily, which is good, seeing as how I had VERY little time to finish it. *grin*

I missed yours when you posted it, and am looking forward to reading it today!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-08 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myrna-bird.livejournal.com
Great job translating the news into your own story.
Such a scary situation!

Date: 2012-02-09 04:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you, and I'm glad you liked it! Yes, definitely scary. My heart goes out to that poor kid and his family and friends.

Dan

Date: 2012-02-08 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] noodledays.livejournal.com
wow, interesting story to take inspiration from. and the perspective you offered was intriguing.

Date: 2012-02-09 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you! The story caught my attention right away, mostly the sad pointlessness of it, and I knew I'd have to write about it this week.

Thanks for reading!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-09 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] karmasoup.livejournal.com
I didn't really understand what would make him crawl under someone else's car, either. Will be interesting to see where the case goes in connection with the new castle law.

Date: 2012-02-09 05:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
According to statements his neighbors provided, they often saw the home owner "patrolling" his front yard while carrying a shotgun. *sigh* An accident waiting to happen.

Thanks for reading!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-09 08:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blythe025.livejournal.com
Yikes! Scary story.

Date: 2012-02-10 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] muchtooarrogant.livejournal.com
Thank you, I hope you enjoyed it!

Dan

Date: 2012-02-10 02:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blythe025.livejournal.com
I did, indeed. :)
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