Bucky Benny and Dwight

Jul. 13th, 2025 07:54 pm
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

My parents showed me a picture of their new garden gnomes. They found one playing the drums first and got it, and then my mom found these others to make the rest of the gnome band.

My dad pointed to each one and told me, "Bucky the drummer, and the singer is his brother Benny, and then there's their friend Dwight." He's so funny, such a quiet guy but he comes up with these goofy things sometimes. Mom was mocking him for this. He just went along, telling me the names of "all my gnomes in the backyard, Paul and Tessa together. And I can't remember what the other two names are..."

I didn't know they had any gnomes, and it turns out they have a whole crowd now! With names!

clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
Greetings from Ohio. I came up for two different family reunions. Well, one "Cousin's Day" and the other is a cookout because they were looking for an excuse to have one, and since I was coming up and no one has seen me in years, a lot of different subgroups of the family are coming together (so in other words, a "family reunion" but only one of them was planned years in advance!

Don't forget to read, comment and vote for your favorites?  therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1188979.html

The trip so far has been nice at points, but emotionally rough. Definitely some difficult insights into family dynamics. 

Such as, it turns out that yes, my Dad IS just weirdly distant from the kids, family and pretty much everyone.  But he *specifically* doesn't like me and doesn't want to talk to me because he "can't understand a word (I) say" and is embarrassed by me. (Due to my stutter) Found that out from my siblings after they were drinking a lot and speaking candidly about the issues in the family. One of them had the courage to say it out loud (after I said that I was positive my Dad didn't like me) and no one contradicted him. Maybe I can finally stop trying to gain his approval!  It's just one more reason to be glad that I started therapy and have a session that afternoon I get back (Tuesday) 

***

How has YOUR week/weekend been going?  Hopefully all of you are positive that I want to kick you!!! Because I do. 


Infrastructure

Jul. 13th, 2025 11:01 am
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

I've been camping on the hottest days of this summer. We just got home and I've had a shower and am drying off in front of a fan.

I am so grateful for electricity and indoor plumbing.

Infrastructure is great.

There are ice cubes in this house! I'm lying on a bed that won't deflate under me!

[personal profile] cosmolinguist

I see so much of myself in this person's life! I knew they were my age before they said, just from their description of junior high.

And of course so much is different too. I wish I could write anything as good as this.

Ah, but we respect the old ways

Jul. 11th, 2025 10:06 pm
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

"I wasn't expecting you to know the words to a song that I don't at Goths on a Field!" D just said.

I wasn't either. I'm here because I love doing anything with him and I didn't want to be away from him all weekend (especially after I was away the precious two days!). But I don't like camping and I don't like a lot of goth music.

But this evening has been a lot of folk and vaudeville kind of things. The song I knew, sung so amazingly by The Midsommars, I know as "Magpie" from the amazing Unthanks album Mount the Air.

Long day but good day

Jul. 10th, 2025 09:57 pm
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

Exeter was great. I saw an old friend C who I'd forgotten had moved there years ago! Lovely to see his new life: his partner and how cozily entangled their lives are, carving out queer space in a city that otherwise doesn't have much; his drag queen persona (I love trans men as drag queens so much); his new and very different career.

The meeting this morning that I was actually in Exeter for seemed to go as well as it could have.

I made good friends with my Guide Dogs counterpart for the day. He covers the southwest and we don't currently have a person to cover the southwest which is why I was there. But he lives so far from Exeter he had also traveled up last night -- we got Told that our meeting was at 10am, even that clearly wasn't ideal for either of us! -- staying in the same Premier Inn as me (it's perfect, you come out of the train station and it's right there ahead of you with a giant sign, most accessible hotel ever). We ran in to each other waiting to board the same bus to the Bad Bus Stops we were here to look at: him with his guide dog and me with my cane, both wondering if the other one was who we thought it was.

We made a good double act, backing each other up on our less well-received points. I'm sad he's so far away! But he's in the part of the southwest I'm more often visiting and I'm super tempted to invite him for a drink if I get the chance!

I had a long journey back, not as crowded or overheated as yesterday's until Birmingham, but with delays it was still two hours after that before I got home.

I stumbled in, drank a lot of ice water, had a shower, ate some dinner (lovely [personal profile] angelofthenorth had made mushroom risotto!), drank some more water, and now I'm lying in front of a fan.

I'm glad to be back home, where there are fans and ice. I bought an iced coffee this morning and there was no ice in it. It wasn't even cold! It was, like, I forgot about this cup of coffee cold, not iced-coffee cold. Ugh. I drank it anyway, but I pined for ice all day. It was 84°F in Exeter, and the first half of our meeting did involve walking up and down a road to look at its terrible bus stops (they really were terrible too -- really did have to be seen to be believed).

I've agreed to go camping this weekend, so I'm enjoying the ice and fans while I can!

At least for camping I won't have to wear my work clothes! I wore a proper shirt for the meeting this morning but immediately afterward took it off of course. I considered jettisoning the binder as well, but the t-shirt I had grabbed to change in to is a tank top and I didn't like that. The binder, my new white one, was extremely visible under the black tank top as it has a higher neckline and wider straps, but I decided that I did not care at all. It was much more comfy and it just looked like I'd layered two different tank tops. The train staff who provided my assistance and checked my tickets didn't misgender me or act weird about it or anything.

Vote - Week 3

Jul. 9th, 2025 10:12 pm
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
A few words from [personal profile] clauderainsrm:


The population of our castle keeps shrinking, and the Killer(s) haven’t even claimed their first victim yet! Unfortunately before the poll even opens, we are losing 3 contestants who are out of byes:[personal profile] i0ne [personal profile] impoetry [personal profile] matsushima


That is always an awful way to go out, but it’s even more the case when it comes to Week 3 bye outs, because that means we haven’t even gotten the chance to read anything from them! Hopefully they will consider Home Game-ing until the Wheel offers another shot to get back into the game!

We also have a drop. Per the wheel, this particular drop WILL be counted toward the total of contestants leaving us this week!

Goodbye to [personal profile] used_songs . You will be missed! I hope you are able to make it back in at a later point! And yes, before anyone asks- the Nullifer went out as well.

The Wheel also said that 2 contestants would be leaving this week - which means that there will be *1* contestant leaving (thanks to the drop)

The poll closes Tuesday, July 15th at 8pm ET.

Good luck to everyone!


Poll #33345 ’WheelofChaos-Week3’
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: Just the Poll Creator, participants: 48

Vote For Your Favorites!

adore's entry
9 (18.8%)

alycewilson's entry
18 (37.5%)

autumn_wind's entry
18 (37.5%)

bleodswean's entry
18 (37.5%)

drippedonpaper's entry
11 (22.9%)

eeyore_grrl's entry
14 (29.2%)

fausts_dream's entry
11 (22.9%)

flipflop_diva's entry
15 (31.2%)

garnigal's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
2 (4.2%)

gunwithoutmusic's entry
10 (20.8%)

hafnia's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
2 (4.2%)

halfshellvenus's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
3 (6.2%)

inkstainedfingertips's entry
21 (43.8%)

krispykritter's entry
9 (18.8%)

legalpad819's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
2 (4.2%)

marjorica's entry
9 (18.8%)

muchtooarrogant's entry
18 (37.5%)

murielle's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
4 (8.3%)

oxymoron67's entry
5 (10.4%)

rayaso's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
4 (8.3%)

roina_arwen's entry
9 (18.8%)

serpentinejacaranda's entry
12 (25.0%)

simplyn2deep's entry
13 (27.1%)

static_abyss's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
2 (4.2%)

swirlsofpurple's entry
11 (22.9%)

talonkarrde's entry
12 (25.0%)

tonithegreat's entry
10 (20.8%)

wolfden's BYE WEEK - Votes Do Not Count
2 (4.2%)

xeena's entry
27 (56.2%)

Week 3 - The Accusation

Jul. 9th, 2025 07:19 pm
clauderainsrm: (Default)
[personal profile] clauderainsrm posting in [community profile] therealljidol
 [personal profile] flipflop_diva  has used her reward to give someone the antidote!  Did she save a life or did that precious elixir go to waste?  I guess we will start finding out in the coming weeks!!

***

But before we get to the regularly scheduled voting and polls, there is still the matter of YOU, the Idol contestants, and your attempt to stop this/these horrible Killer(s) from their murderous plots!

There was slightly more concentration of votes this time around, with fewer named suspects.  (only 8 as opposed to 13 last time) But, by a slight margin, one name came out on top. 

The Idolers formally accuse [personal profile] inkstainedfingertips of being a KIller!!!




tonithegreat: (Default)
[personal profile] tonithegreat
She’d been a fool to keep going like nothing was wrong. But for the life of her, she wasn’t sure what the moment should have been to take a stand, or what the stand should have been. Her agency didn’t work on the crazy important things. Did it?

Yes, she’d been part of the dominant culture. Really, she’d been part of the dominant and oppressive culture for her whole life, although it had been hard to see it growing up. Yes, privilege was having two college educated parents that stayed together. That made sense. She had figured that part out as a young teen. But when having that privilege put her in the minority in the tiny town where she was raised, it didn’t feel as much like privilege. It especially didn’t feel like privilege when her parents drove beater cars and stressed about money and didn’t take fancy vacations just like everyone else. But the true privilege had been confidence, she guessed. The confidence and support to go on to bigger ponds. To make her own way. They hated the oppressed that couldn’t make their own way and they also hated her for making it but not being enough of an oppressor, she supposed.

Silva had a weird amount of time for contemplation now. Now that she was in a very strange pond with a very strange assortment of people. There wasn’t much of a common thread among the people held here as far as she could tell. There were a good number of Latino looking people, people whispering in Spanish and English and maybe other languages. It was hard to tell. People kept being hit for whispering in any language at the wrong time.

Her head ached and she felt lightheaded. Twice a day she was lined up with a few others and forced to swallow large sulfuric smelling pills. She guessed they were antibiotics administered for whatever infection had been brewing in her mouth when the cold, impersonal military dentist in the back of an air conditioned semi truck had removed what was left of her broken teeth. She had stopped feeling fevered soon after starting the pills, left only with headaches, sore empty spots in her mouth, an aching jaw and now also the runs. She did not want to be hit hard again. She knew that she could not let herself be the flinching woman here surrounded by these folks. But she took a lot of pains not to be the one sticking out in the guards’ vision. She allowed herself very little communication. Everyone else was miserable also. That made it easier.

When should she have communicated before being picked up? And to whom? Was anyone working on trying to get her out of here? Was there anything she did or anything she could have done to facilitate help coming now? There had been an email window open on her work computer for a few weeks before she was taken- the start of an email to her state representative’s office. If she had finished that email, would that office be more likely to investigate her like the state apparently had, or to rescue her? She had just wanted help getting the federal education department to look seriously at her eligibility for loan forgiveness. It seemed a million miles away from now. Surely as a public servant of twenty years, it hadn’t been bad for her to seek that kind of help. . . But they hated public servants. She shouldn’t have forgotten that.

Her mind drifted. Standing in lines in the sun, with her hands on her head wasn’t too bad as long as she could keep from feeling dizzy. As long as she could keep some kind of equilibrium. She was among the tallest women, so they usually put her in the back row. It wasn’t so claustrophobic as it was for the ladies in the middle. Stand in line. Eyes forward. Hear the whirring of the drones getting pictures of all of them. Video to be run through AI- posted on social media. Hear the guards shouting instructions. Be compliant. Be part of the spectacle, but not the part sticking out the farthest, being beaten. Consider what it used to feel like to have hope spring up.

Behold! Sometimes a word or a phrase would just get stuck in her head. It had been “Behold!” for the last couple of days. She would remember the rush of air, the ability to breathe that came when they had removed the hoods in the back of the truck, and then her vision orienting, seeing that other unexpected prisoner. . . her boss? Behold! It couldn’t be. But it was. It had been. How? Why?

And then, miserable hours later. Hoods removed again. Unloading from the truck. This was a spectacle they were meant to take in. Behold! A blue sign with white letters. Alligator Alcatraz. She was still in her home state. It was not a joke. It was real. Behold! The feeling of sweat pooling. Of dehydration headache coming on. She didn’t typically hate the heat. But her body was always working. It took energy to dissipate the heat. Energy that she supposed she didn’t need for thinking anymore.

The nights were the worst. Not because of tears in the dark, but because the fluorescent lights beat down on all of them and it was always random who was sobbing. Bottom and middle bunks were hotter, but top bunks were right under those awful lights. Behold! Everything was getting so hazy. Silva knew from early motherhood that sleep deprivation could result in a kind of fugue state. Some part of her knew that she needed to try not to slip into that state, but she wasn’t sure why or how. This place made it so easy to dissociate.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This dark little vignette is a companion piece (although I think it also stands alone) to my piece last week for LJ Idol, Wheel of Chaos! If you enjoyed this, please vote for me there. I will try to add a link to the voting in a comment below this week (getting more organized? Maybe!) once the poll is live.

Life has been crazy busy of late. I hope you enjoy my efforts here.

Sayings

Jul. 9th, 2025 10:16 pm
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

The first thing I heard anyone say when I got to Exeter -- anyone who wasn't a staff member of either the train station I wad coming from or the hotel I was going to -- was "all right my lover!" In exactly the accent that I've always heard in parodies of that.

It could not have been more stereotypical. I love it when these things happen. It's like that one time when I actually heard someone from Yorkshire say "there's nowt as queer as folk."

Week 3: Ecco

Jul. 9th, 2025 04:48 pm
alycewilson: Photo of me after a workout, flexing a bicep (Default)
[personal profile] alycewilson
This is my entry for this week of LJ Idol: Wheel of Chaos. The prompt this week is "Ecco," which is an Italian word defined as, essentially, "presenting a person, thing, or idea and inviting you to perceive it at the very moment it appears," similar to the English word "behold."

Behold

I peer into your dark bronze eyes as you, swaddled
in a panda blanket, gaze back. We are both
enthralled with this novelty: being apart
from one another. Our bodies separate, at last.
Your heart pounding in your own tiny chest, no longer
tapping time with mine. Able, at last, to see
the origin of the voice you've heard
echoing through blood so many months. My own heart

now suffused with warmth and wellbeing
which I feebly label "love." But Valentine sentiment
pales beside this affection, which encapsulates
not just tenderness but a deep
knowing; a twinning of cells.
Your joy, my joy; your pain
mine, as well.

So many years later -- an eon of growth --
you may wonder why I still
beam at you; why I intone
your name so sweetly in the mornings
as I coach you to disentangle your long limbs
from swaddling blankets. Why I still sing
good morning to you, as if the nectar
of each day was worth savoring. Even now,
with your deep voice, your wry humor,
your eyes behind speckled glasses,
I still see you as I saw you then.
In breathless wonder.


- July 9, 2025

KFP Sucks His Thumb

Inspired by [personal profile] eeyore_grrl, I've recorded a video of myself reading this poem.
roina_arwen: Lilo and Stitch on the beach (Lilo & Stitch - Beach)
[personal profile] roina_arwen
Music makes me happy. It always has…or very nearly so. Sadly, I am not talented when it comes to creating music, and have tried my hand at several different instruments over the years. In middle school it was the alto clarinet. I had a brief tryst with a violin during fifth grade, and of course who didn’t make music—and I use that term loosely—on the requisite recorder during our earliest school years?

If you didn’t have that pleasure, I can assure you, you didn’t miss much.

Even so, only one instrument in all my fifty-plus years ever got me into trouble, and made not only myself but my entire family unhappy. You, dear reader, would be hard pressed to guess what item had the dubious honor of causing such a ruckus, so I’ll just tell you. Read more... )

LJ IDOL WHEEL OF CHAOS, WEEK 2

Jul. 9th, 2025 08:12 pm
xeena: (Default)
[personal profile] xeena
Ecco (here it is), from the Latin ecce or eccum, is about presenting a person, thing, or idea and inviting you to perceive it at the very moment it appears.


___________________________________________________________________________________


It's coming.

The darkness.

A summer sunset.

End-of-the-day rays of sunlight filter through thick cloud and caress my face as I sit in the car with the windows down, filling me with a short lived feeling of warmth, before the cloud sweeps past, briefly blocking the dissipating light.

The golden, pink and peach splashes that painted the sky are slowly but surely evaporating.

The afternoon bleeding into evening.

Night waiting patiently around the corner to kill the last remains of the day.

In the still August air I light a cigarette, inhaling the toxins before breathing them back out and watching as the curling smoke poisoned the air around me.

Carbon monoxide mingling with oxygen and nitrogen.

Evening has always been my least favorite part of a day.

Something about it, and watching the sun dip below the horizon has always felt like a loss of hope.

It's always been intertwined with death.

(Ever since the day I learned what mortality is, as I witnessed a bird get shot and plummet, backlit by a setting sun when I was three. A hell of a first memory).

When I learned that the earth's natural state was darkness, that made sense to me.

It still does, literally and metaphorically.

Neither can exist without the other.

Both offer solace in their own ways, yet neither are completely safe.

There can be no light without darkness, no darkness without light.

That is something I have grown to recognize in everything.

Including myself.

Metaphorically, the darkness that dwells in my mind and my memories, my dark side so to speak, is something I can't escape from.

Those things are along for the ride with the light parts, whether I like it or not.

It's just that I'm tired now.

I grew tired of running from them and myself a long time ago, and chose awareness instead, because unlike some people I've known, I've never really mastered the art of denial.

I've always had a debilitating fear of void like spaces, and I can't sleep without some light.

On the other hand though, I love the night.

Everything feels magical, being awake and active during the night always feels like being part of another world.

At night, guards are let down, instincts are acted upon.

Everything is infinite.

Or feels it.

Until the sun rises, dawn melts into day and the light returns.

The same light that can be a smokescreen for me.

An illusion of comfort meant to render us unaware of the visible shadows and shady corners that lengthen steadily as the hour grows later and races towards the inevitable.

(When I remember how the bird dropped, a dead weight, the thing that stands out most in my mind's eye is the blazing sun at its hottest as it dipped closer to the horizon casting light on the way the bullet tore through the bird's body).


Despite my fear of those void like spaces, the sense of apprehension they bring, the dark of the night can be an ironically cathartic hiding place for those who are cognizant of thing they sometimes wish they weren't.

A dog barks in the distance, its haunting echo pulling me out of my thoughts.

With the sun's retreat, the street is beginning to come alive again since I wandered off into the maze that is my mind.

I cast a glance towards the sky, which is now devoid of color.

It's a moonless night.

(Just like the night I was born).

It's here.

"Now it's dark," I think and my eyes meet my own in the rear view mirror,

___________________________________________________________________________________


non-fiction

I'm part Italian, so I was excited to see the prompt for this week. I wanted to tackle it both literally and re symbolism. This is a memory of me watching a sunset in someone's car during a seriously horrible time of my life.

"Now it's dark." is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Blue Velvet (1986), directed by the legendary David Lynch. It is a line repeated by an antagonist and its meaning is that of being comfortable with the darkness in yourself. This resonated with me from when I saw it. Obviously I refer to memories of trauma and PTSD here and that is how it resonated with me, whereas the movie antagonist definitely had some worse issues lol, but the point is the same.

I was indeed born on a moonless night. Forever envious of those born under a full moon!

Title: Ecco

Jul. 9th, 2025 06:55 pm
swirlsofpurple: (Default)
[personal profile] swirlsofpurple
 

“Tommy sit down and put your seatbelt on, we’re landing,” Izzy says, checking all of the kids’ belts before sinking into her seat, even after the whole journey she still can’t believe how soft it is. The academy’s space shuttle is far fancier than the ones she can afford.

Her eyes dart between each of her students as they walk through the busy city. Even though they have plenty of attendants, it’s her first school trip and there’s an itch in her brain saying she’s going to lose a kid on another planet. They reach the line for the main event mercifully quickly, and of course are allowed into the express lane designated for prime seating. Nothing but the best for these kids: the progeny of lords, celebrities, and CEOs.

Izzy stands in this most auspicious of places, feeling like a fraud. She’s never really belonged anywhere. Three months ago she was a bus driver and four months before that she was a nurse. She pushes down the bad voice, holds her chin up, takes in the children before her, and starts with an easy question, “Who can tell me why this is so special?” 

All hands go up. She points at Crissy, a shy, tiny slip of a girl. “A new Rokurirou is only born every three or four hundred years, so every birth is celebrated world-wide.”

Izzy mentally gives her an extra point for not calling them tree aliens. “Good, that’s correct. How do they sustain themselves with births being so rare?”

“They don’t die.”

“You’ve got the right idea. Can anyone elaborate?”

Tommy jumps in place, hand up like he’s trying to catch a cloud, she nods at him, “They live for a bazillion years.”

“Bazillion isn’t a real number!” Jamie yells.

“Okay, what’s your answer then?”

“They live for thousands and thousands and thousands of years.”

“That’s right, good. And why is there all this yellow?”

Half the hands go up. She points at Alice.

“Their eyes see differently to ours, each different shade of yellow is a completely different colour to them and what we see as yellow are their brightest and most celebratory colours.”

“Well done. Why is there only a birth every few centuries?”

Only three hands go up. She notes this as a topic for them to do more on.

“They have very low fertility.”

“That’s correct. They do have very low fertility, but another thing is they always have had. Though it’s not uncommon to see drop offs in fertility in a species. It’s very rare for a species to thrive while having this throughout. The low fertility also means the majority of people don’t even try to have kids which further reduces the birth-rate. Those who do try generally don’t expect to get pregnant, it’s a bit like when adults play the lottery.”

 
*

They reach their room, only a pane of glass between the class and the birthing suite. There are hundreds of little twigs protruding from the mother— Tirtriso’s— back. Izzy can see why they only do this every few centuries. She pushes a button for the shutter to lower. It had been quite a job to convince the organizers, without offending, that they wanted to be part of the before and after celebrations without viewing the actual birth. Izzy steers the kids to the other side of the room, where they can see the parade in full swing. The joyous music sounds so sombre to the human ear, but most of the kids are pressed up to the glass in delight anyway.

 
*

Then the messages start coming through. Something’s wrong. Izzy doesn’t think, just barges through the door. The newborn isn’t breathing. The doctors are panicking. This isn’t something they’re prepared for. They are a hardy species, living for many millennia, problems with people under two hundred years old is practically unheard of. Doctors are there to ensure the mother’s health.

“The tube doesn’t fit.” 

“It’s the smallest we have. Keep trying.”

“You need something else,” Izzy says quietly. She’s ignored.

The doctor keeps trying to fit the too large tube in.

She has no place here, no knowledge of their physiology, but that’s never stopped her before, “Listen! The baby’s too small, that’s never going to fit!”  

They turn to her then. “We have nothing else.”

“Then we make-shift something, put some bits of other equipment together.”

All of their eyes, all of their attention, is on her now. They all know what rests here. “How?”

Izzy steps closer. “Show me what you’ve got.”

Once she sees their equipment it isn’t hard to jerry-rig something, she had to do this a few times when she worked at a hospital in the rougher outskirts.

And the baby is breathing.

 
*

It’s a couple of hours later, when the parade is dying down for the day, she lifts the shutter, with Tirtriso’s permission, so the kids can see what they came here for.

“I want to see the baby tree alien!” Tommy says, running into the room before anyone can stop him.

“Sorry,” Izzie says, rushing in behind him, “Tommy, we don’t call the Rokurirou that, and you shouldn’t be in here.”

“It’s fine,” Tirtriso says, “Let the others come in also, come all of you, come, let my baby meet you.”

The kids pour in, clustering around swarm-like. “Careful,” Izzy says. It’s not too late for an inter-stellar incident.

“It’s good. I believe this is the first time a Rokurirou newborn has ever met another child, a moment for our history.”

Izzy watches the children coo and blow raspberries and talk at the baby and wonders what it must be like to be the only child on a planet. 

 

Tiring day but I survived

Jul. 8th, 2025 05:29 pm
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

I had to present on my work for my team and some other people this morning, and it felt impossible to pitch it at a level that would reach both the people who know next to nothing about the work I lead on and the people who have been most intimately involved in doing it with me.

I missed a section, even with notes, which I think could've made it make a lot more sense. But also my line manager sent me a message immediately to say I spoke very well? I don't get it but I hope she's right!

Compulsion

Jul. 8th, 2025 11:47 am
muchtooarrogant: (Default)
[personal profile] muchtooarrogant
LJI Week 3: Ecco
His race car was bright red.

"VROOM!" Teddy growled deep in his throat, but not too loudly. Mommy was on the phone, and she wasn't using her happy voice.

"Seriously? You're going to talk to me about being responsible when you don't even ..."

The smooth gray path stretched out in front of him, and the harder he pushed, the faster his car went. He loved the whirring noise it made, and the way the light from the sky flashed off its shiny roof. The words mommy was saying behind him felt like sharp little knives, and made him want to run even faster. Push! Whirr! Run!

Read more... )
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[personal profile] bleodswean
 
That shattering glass, not a windshield but a doorway of shock and awe, into another place. As though she had left a place for the sole reason of arriving at another place. No wandering in between. She had never been good at telling a story, not like Daddy could be around a fire, but if she had survived then perhaps, she would have been able to say out loud those moments in a way that would capture the sheer impossibility of a human body in flight. Not falling but flying, the propulsion of her skeleton, all bone projectile, into the headlight lit darkness. The impact of her head with the windscreen was the killing blow, of course it was, yet she traveled onward still alive, through the glass, over the crumpled hood and into the forever night. Leaving both sneakers behind as she went. Did she see the stars in their firmament? In this strange leave-taking she lingered on a while, the air above and surround her insubstantial, the pavement solid beneath her, the summer scorched heat of it a small comfort to her cooling body, the bloody halo of her long blonde hair creating a vision of such suffering, such loss, hers a miraculous martyred death. Our Teenaged Lady of the Automobile Collision. The shattered shoulder bones, the leaking skull. The impossible sense of soaring passing through her nerve endings, dissipating through her pores. Simultaneous departure and arrival and departure. The touch and go of her short life. 
 
The afternoon of the day had grown hot. Morning spent working in Daddy’s garden. It was time for the leafy branches to be snipped off close to the stem to allow the lengthening buds all the sunlight. He didn’t pay her out, they had nothing extra for allowances, but after the harvest late in the fall, just before winter, he could be generous with the crumpled bills that began to stuff his pockets. She’d walk her brothers to the store, cold winds blowing through them, and buy the boys candy bars and herself a fashion magazine.
 
Daddy had two other daughters before she was born. One lived up in Alaska with her own momma and the other one of them lived in an old camp trailer on Daddy’s property with her baby. She was her momma’s oldest, after her came four more, all boys and of course Daddy was partial to them on account that they were boys, but he was good to all his children and just the day before this day Momma said she was expecting another one come springtime. She whisper prayed that it would be a girl, a sister, another sister.
 
Now the day was bending open the bars that held her prisoner, soon she would be freed. It was just gone noon. She had made sandwiches for her brothers, cleaned the kitchen and Momma told her she was allowed to walk down the road to the swimming hole. She longed to go on her own and Momma said that was fine, too, but only on account that two of her brothers seemed to be suffering from the heat and Momma wanted to keep a closer eye on them. It was hot and had been hot for going on a week. They’d taken to sleeping out of doors on the wood slatted porch, but the night before a bear had woken them up pawing through garbage and the compost and Daddy said they had to be back inside the house until he either could get a decent shot off or someone else on the hill got him first. Dressed bear in the chest freezer would be a treat. 
 
She was fourteen years old that summer day. Highschool in the fall and she couldn’t imagine what that would be like. Tried and failed. Thought she might be more than what she was, if such a thing was possible and even then, couldn’t tell you accurately what that more looked like. Knew that somewhere out there more was waiting to be had, one just needed to get to where it was at. Arrive with eyes wide opened and announce themselves with attention.
 
Cut off shorts and a bikini top, knock off Converse low tops, and her waist-length hair swinging over her shoulders, near white it was so light colored, and she swung it back and forth with a practiced toss of her head. Girl we known it was you from way down the road, he said to her when he pulled over. Driving his uncle’s truck leaning out the window at her diesel exhaust smelling so dangerously sweet and another boy she didn’t know jumped out and opened the passenger side door for her like they’d been expecting her and no one but her, and she climbed up into the cab and knew her daddy wouldn’t be at all happy because he said Levi’s family was one to steer clear of whenever mannerly possible. But Levi had his hair shorn short dagger sideburns delineating his jaw line and a swagger in his long-legged stride. On the bus, he sat way at the back while she had to sit in the front with her younger brothers, sometimes holding Caden’s hand to keep him from crying, which he was prone to doing because the only thing he wanted in the wide world was to be home in the kitchen with Momma. The high schoolers got off the bus first stop and when it came springtime, Levi started tapping her on the shoulder as he walked past and then that last week of school he sat himself down right behind her on the way home every day and caught the ends of her hair in his loose-fisted palms. Sometimes his fingers, dirty and sticky with cannabis oil would tap tap the knobs of her spine. You’re real skinny, he would tell her in a voice so quiet and low it could only be meant as a secret of some kind. And the nerves would explode across her shoulders and at night in her bed she would think about the heat of his fingers and roll over onto her stomach believing that wings could be coaxed out of the two thin blades in her back. Those shoulder bones were a storehouse inside her body for all that tingling sensation caused by his fingers on her flesh. 
 
Now she was sitting on the bench seat right up next to him. Don’t be shy girl he laughed. Bet you ain’t brave enough to jump off that high rock. The other boy had his window rolled down open too and he craned his body out of it and whooped loud. Levi gunned the big truck and black exhaust rolled out of the dual pipes and he fishtailed a bit and she gasped but the boys laughed. And soon she was laughing too. 
 
They raced one another down to the swimming hole but the boys veered up the narrow path to the high rock. She kept on down to the rocky beach, looking up. Can you see me from there? He called down to her and she nodded. What? He yelled. I can, I can see you! She visored both hands over her eyes and watched him watching her as he leaped off the rock.
 
There was no way not to be alive that afternoon.
 
She felt no pain outside the hurt of leaving. She couldn’t close her eyes as though to sleep; her soul was exiting through her vision itself. What’s the time, she asked. Her world spinning now, the dizziness of the calling fade. No more thought everything a retinal remembering. 

That day in the rain when I was almost turned sixteen telling him I had missed that month and he began to speed down and down the winding dirt roads? Or later while we raised up three young’uns and he had a bad spell with liquor and somehow it all came to a screaming head that afternoon in the truck? Or was it only the two of us again, that morning of such sadness, driving in the snow back from the hospital? Or before all that, the first sweltered day of summer when he drove us down to the swimming hole, before ditching his friend because he said he had something he wanted to show me, just him and me, and I knew without knowing how that this was my arriving. 
 

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Jul. 6th, 2025 10:11 pm
[personal profile] cosmolinguist

After a lunch I couldn't do more than pick at, and a difficult conversation that both did and didn't surprise me, regarding the particulars of the factually-inaccurate version of me that I already knew lived in someone else's head, and then having to talk to my parents (without being able to tell my mom "that is none of my business" all the time like I wanted to)... By the end of all that it was 8:30 and I was too exhausted to go seek out food even though I needed more food.

So when [personal profile] angelofthenorth offered to make me scrambled eggs on a couple of crumpets... "there's cream in the fridge...with tarragon...and cheese..." I wanted to say no (she's made so much of the food I've eaten lately!) but apparently my facial expression answered for me.

It was delicious and it helped so much.

My head still feels like a browser that has too many tabs open, but at least my body can crash now.

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